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Second Thoughts

April 17, 2009
Man Thinking

Computer Art Image of Man Thinking © Clark Dunbar/Corbis

I’ve come to the point where I’m thinking if this is the job for me. Sometimes I think I think too much. Hahah. Just read that. I think I think. That is the problem. Maybe I should just stop thinking and get on with it.

But the problem is I’m a thinker. I overthink too much all the time. And all that thinking is making me wonder if I am really suitable for this job, or whether this job is really suitable for me.

It’s not really like I dislike the job. It’s just that to say that I really love my job, or even like the job, that would not be totally true. Same with the question “Are you happy?” It’s not that I am unhappy. But I can’t say I am totally happy either. So much contradiction.

I guess I am struggling with finding the purpose of my existence here. At least in my previous job, I can be somewhat sure that I am making an impact in the lives of others. That gives some purpose. In this job, however, I don’t get that. I don’t get a feeling that what I am doing here matters.

So I am thinking. Wondering if perhaps I should just go back to my old job. Do something I am familiar with, something I know that I am good at, something that seems more meaning, has more purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that librarianship doesn’t have any purpose. I won’t be here if that’s what I think. However, in the larger scheme of things, I just don’t see where I fit in. And if I’m struggling so much, then what is the point?

Perhaps I am too perfectionistic. I give myself too much pressure to excel? But I really feel that I am just floundering, messing things up. Like till now, I am still unable to figure things out. Still feeling that people are laughing at me (just too sensitive?), waiting to see me fall and make a fool of myself. Mocking me etc.

I wish I could stop thinking and just be satisfied that I have a job during this economic downturn. But I can’t.

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